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Sarah's Story - My World

So I had a great childhood, following my passion of horses, loved life to the full, But as adulthood appeared things changed, I had some great relationships and a horrendous relationship with emotional abuse as well as physical. I become worthless, lifeless and empty. The birth of my eldest son came from this relationship and I wouldn’t change him for the world, he is my everything. To put it when I was pregnant I was nearly 10stone but after the pregnancy, I was 5 1/2 stone with w newborn. I did find the courage to leave and tell my parents what had gone on for the past 2 years. I felt worthless, hated myself for what was happening, I lost so much weight I would hide behind baggy clothes to cover my body. I kept fighting for what’s was right for my son and after 4 years of social services, courts and police, my son was safe with me. Now it was time to start rebuilding my life, in amongst what was happening I found a kind caring man and we went on to have my second son. Life was getting better, we moved and had a good life. Unfortunately, life threw yet more upset, with the pregnancy of my daughter who was very poorly and would have never made full term, the decision was made to terminate the pregnancy at 21 weeks and no more was said, 14 months later my partner and I married, we found out I was expecting again but at 16 weeks I suffered a miscarriage and lost a baby boy. I was broken, I shut down from the world and our marriage ended after a year and we separated. I went through some very dark, very manic up and downs over the following years, I hurt some great friends, got into huge financial difficulties. But still worked part-time and used my weight as my control when I was stressed. I never ate when down but when I was in a good place I’d eat like a horse it was a way of coping and not having to deal with how I was feeling. As my eldest son grew up he also started suffering from huge anxiety affecting school, social gatherings and our family life, he went through angry phases as well as depression and at one point attempted to take his own life..... I have never felt so lost, Empty, scared but so much love for my children who without them I would have given up on life. Then I found love in the strangest of places in a person I had to know for years..... it was tough at first as he was going through a messy divorce and I was kept a secret for nearly 3 years, but I supported him and he became my rock, my soul mate and best friend. I then started a completely new career at 40, this again was a testing time as after just starting work I had to take time out due to losing my brother to an alcohol-related illness, he was just 37 years old and left behind his daughter, I planned the funeral to help take the pressure of my parents, I even wrote his eulogy and read it out. Not long after that I had a call from my stepmother to say my dad was in the hospital after suffering a stroke.... my world was really falling apart, but I found a great friend at work who has given me great encouragement and strength and who has helped in so many ways, she encouraged me to train at work to be a mental health first aider as well that started doing an important qualification through work. I’ve now found my inner strength over past few years and definitely during the COVID lockdown, this has been the time to change my mind's belief and love myself again acceptance of who I am is a huge step, I changed my diet by cutting out dairy & wheat. Exercise more although that has had its blip but will start again soon. I’ve joined an online course in body confidence and passed with 97% to improve my ability to help myself in life and work. To also prove to my beautiful boys that no matter what this life offers you good or bad you can achieve if you believe in yourself, I’m a long way off being exactly where I want to be in personal and working life, but if I dig deeper enough I will be that person I know I can be., but for now I feel emotional happier, complete and content in all I have, I’m so much stronger than I ever thought possible.




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